Aries: March 21 - April 20
Aries are pretentious little self-centred fuckers that always think they’re right. They have heads like hot-air balloons, and chasmal, ever-flapping mouths that puke egocentric rhetoric on anyone who displays even the slightest glimmer of attention. At the moment, Mars can be found in alignment with the Aries sun-sign, which makes the already fiery Aries even more of a whiney, loose-lipped, blowhard. Aries like to think of themselves as assertive and courageous, but in reality, when something pisses them off, their shrill roar sounds less like a lion and more like a wet cat in the death-grip of a vindictive toddler. With Mars crossing the southern Hemisphere this week, the typical Aries will be acting especially explosive and ugly in an immature ‘I’m all important’ kind of way that’ll make others feel sick with disdain.
In Bed: Aries are fast, furious lovers whose main concern is looking good. They often like to set up mirrors and video cameras, which receive far more of the Aries’s attention than their partners, who are just props for the Aries. The ideal lover for an Aries is a cloned version of themselves.
Taurus: April 21 - May 20
The typical Taurus tends to delude themselves with notions of being loving and loyal, but in reality they are unrelentingly possessive and have a jealous streak so consuming that, if left unchecked, can vilify their entire outer world, turning the Taurus into a crusty loner, seeking a dark corner to wallow in their cantankerous bullshit. Taurus’s lovers often feel crushed under the burden of Taurus’s need to control every little fucking unimportant detail. The Taurus's introverted nature and dogmatically faithful tendencies make them ultra boring to hang with. While spending time with a Taurus, the more debaucherous and exciting star signs like Leo and Scorpio will find themselves wanting to shoot themselves in the face to get out of the situation. This week, Venus reaches its zenith on Wednesday. So expect Taureans everywhere to be ramming their thick skulls together in misplaced displays of ownership and territory.
In Bed: Taureans are overcome with neurotic self-doubt and manic worries related to their genital size and shape. It is common for a Taurean to spend the entire sexual experience obsessing about their partner’s past lovers in a competitive, analytical kind of way.
Gemini: May 21 - June 21
All Geminis suffer from multiple-personality disorders. They have thoughts like yo-yos flapping about their manifold minds. They change their viewpoints so rapidly that the ends of their sentences often contradict the beginnings. Most Geminis have fickle and quick tempers, with sharp tongues ready to deliver a lashing. But don’t worry, their thoughts are so fleeting that by the end of their first insult they will have already forgotten what they’re mad about, changed their mind, felt sorry about their outburst, decided they love you, noticed the perplexed look on your face, become enraged by your slow response, decided to cut you out of their life, thought about how sweet you were last night, left the room to make you dinner, and planned your next vacation. This week Mercury is ascending, which means the more animalistic and carnal nature of the Gemini will be in control. Expect the unexpected as Geminis worldwide are consumed by the need for immediate satisfaction of their filthy desires.
In Bed: Having sex with a Gemini is like having sex with five people at once. They can’t decide how they want to do it, changing positions faster than a Californian yogi on crack, cycling through the entire Kama Sutra every few minutes.
Cancer: June 22 - July 22
Every single Cancer ever, since the dawn of Astrology, was a bi-polar lunatic with a grossly-stretched spectrum of emotions: moody, indecisive, possessive, and clingy. They are so over-sensitive that giving a Cancer constructive criticism is like giving an immediate burn victim acupuncture. While reading this horoscope a Cancer will be both outraged at the audacity of it, and broken-hearted by the truth of it. Their defensive nature will automatically deny the accusations. But it’s 150% true. So beware, don’t fall for a Cancer’s passionate energy or dazzling creativity. These are traps designed to suck you into their downward cycle of emotional madness. With the moon waxing, this week is going to be difficult for Cancers everywhere. A heavy emotional vortex will suck the zodiac sign into a pit of desperation, rendering it impossible to spend time with a Cancer due to their incessant need for having their fragile egos coddled.
In Bed: Sex with a Cancer is an all-day-affair involving laughter, tears, bruises, gentle caressing, holes in the wall, whipped cream, ice, a screaming argument, and make-up sex within the already happening sex. It will leave you confused and wanting more.
Leo: July 22 - August 22
Always the ‘King of the Jungle’ in their own mind, Leos are arrogant, bossy, pompous gasbags. Their big personalities and life-of-the-party energy often cause them to become roaring drunks and gimme gimme drug addicts, but in an endearing, fun, forgivable kind of way. A young Leo is often seen as leader of the pack. But as the Leo ages, losing its mane and widening at the waist, a younger, more powerful Leo will dethrone the elder. The old Leo will then usually die in a blaze of alcohol-induced naked glory, burning like a supernova for all the world to see. If not, the pathetically useless and completely out-of-date Leo is ostracized by the herd, causing them to lose every shred of their sanity and wander the earth until they fade into obscurity like an 80’s pop star.
In Bed: The bedroom is where the Leo’s dominating traits really shine. In fact, Leos are so dominating that it is impossible for two Leos to mate, because the mating ritual inevitably turns into a fight to the death. Regardless of how they perform, a Leo will always regard themselves as the best lay you’ve ever had.
Virgo: August 23- September 22
Ever see that neurotically shy weirdo sitting in a dark corner, quietly judging everyone else? Probably not, they don’t stand out. Or matter. But they are a Virgo. Not that you should care. Virgoans are obsessive, fault-finding pricks that like to observe humanity from a distance, surfacing only occasionally to lavishly offer their critique, and then sit back in expected praise of their insight. The real problem with Virgoans though, is that they’re usually bang on with their criticism. It’s super annoying and everyone hates them for it. This week, with Mercury nearing the Virgo constellation, Virgoans everywhere will feel an emptiness within their soul, coming from the lack of love they experience on a day to day level. To numb this pain, many will turn to their scathing ridicule of others, finding a warm comfort in the feeling of superiority. So basically, this week will be the same as all the other weeks for Virgoans.
In Bed: All Virgoans are virgins. They see sex as sloppy and gross. Virgoans see themselves as the only astrological sign that has evolved beyond the barbaric and lecherous thirst for flesh. It is simply necessary that non-Virgoans mate so that a child may be born, giving rise to the possibility that the stars align, and the most pure and true and magnificent creature in all the universe may come into existence. Another fucking crotchety Virgoan.
Libra: September 22 - October 22
Libras are air-headed, daydreaming, self-indulgent, indecisive jackasses that change their opinions more than their clothes. They’re all slutty little flirts too. They tend to think of themselves as perfect, which means a Libra takes criticism like a vampire takes sunlight. Libras all carry blackholes in their back pockets which suck up objects of importance like keys and wallets. They champion themselves as defenders of equality, which is a load of surface-level crap and is easily seen as a cover-up ploy to divert people’s attention from the real issue—Why Libras suck so hard. All week Venus will be travelling eastward, traversing both Libra’s sun and moon sign. This means Libras will be facing challenges of nearly crippling difficulty. Which for a Libra is choosing what shoes to wear or pouring their own bowl of cereal in the morning—Real Life shit that Libras suck at.
In Bed: Libras use sex to get what they want. Which is usually sex. But science has proven through a growing trend in pointing out obvious statistics that there’s a one in twelve chance that Libras make the best lovers of all the zodiac signs.
Scorpio: Oct 23 - November 21
Hell hath no fury like the fiery poison of the Scorpio. Cross one and you shall surely die. Hitler, Genghis Khan, Tyrone the Terrible, Mike Tyson, Barbra Striesand, Ali Baba bo Bisand… all Scorpios. See what I’m getting at here. Don’t fuck with Scorpios. They are the King Asshole. But if you need to kill a Scorpio, there is one chance. On Feb 29, 2016 both Pluto and Mars will be behind the Moon from 10:50 AM to 11:13 AM. This will weaken the Scorpio to the strength of a newborn, rendering them defenceless. Be swift and precise because if the Scorpio’s heart still beats at 11:14 AM they will surely rise and slaughter you.
In Bed: The elephantine ego of the Scorpio drives them to travel vast distances to spread their seed, believing reproduction to be the ultimate success achievable here on Earth. History’s most Scorpio of Scorpios have genetic lines that can be traced to millions of people alive today.
Sagittarius: November 22- December 20
The optimistic, carefree, fun-loving, la-de-da the world is beautiful, batshit attitude of the Sagittarius grows old fast. Wake up, you naive nitwits. There is no silver-lining. Over-population and Global Warming have a strangle-hold on this world, and we’re all going to die. So stop being so fucking happy. This week, Jupiter’s gravitational field will amplify the Sagittarius’s yahoo-look-at-me attitude, painting their screwy faces with dopey grins that make any sane person want to go straight for a throat punch.
In Bed: Sex with a Sagittarius is like a cheerleading contest. They’re all in your face with their enthusiasm and screaming and multi-climatic orgasms. I call bullshit. Fakers. But seriously, call me sometime.
Capricorn: December 21- January 20
Capricorns are cheap and devious. If you cross them, they will hate you forever. For work, Capricorns make good Narcs, Traitors, Terrorists, and Politicians. Judas was a typical Capricorn. At the moment, Saturn is rising through the Capricorn star sign, acting upon the Capricorn like a full moon to a werewolf. The urge to spill all those dark secrets buried deep in the lower layers of the soul will be strong this week, which could mean the crumbling of everything the Capricorn has been working for. This is good, however, because everything the Capricorn has been working for is a load of superficial drivel anyway. It’s better to start fresh.
In Bed: Capricorns are fetish-loving freaks. They are incredibly imaginative and inventive when creating new ways to torture their lovers into orgasm. Every new sexual position was invented by a Capricorn, from missionary to reverse spinning octopus. Some Capricorns even claim that sex itself is a Capricorn invention.
Aquarius: January 21- February 18
The typical Aquarius is so unpredictable that they can’t possibly be summarized in one paragraph. Don’t let that fool you though, they are just as worthless as the other eleven types of star signs. Just in myriad ways. However, all Aquarians exhibit vile and abhorrent tendencies toward ‘lesser mortals’. They like to think of themselves as the ‘best’ of the astrological signs, but in reality they are all deluded, self-righteous, bags of monkey shit. Astrologically speaking, it is now summer on Uranus. The deep, wet heat located in the central crack of Uranus is causing volcanic activity, making Uranus spew gas like a lactose intolerant steroid-junkie after a cheese eating contest. This means Aquarians everywhere will be extra hypocritical and inconsistent with their speech and actions, worrying excessively about certain events, and then acting in a way that brings those same events to occurrence.
In Bed: While having sex, Aquarians act as though they are doing you a favour. They can flip between being incredibly loving and harshly violent. Never close your eyes while having sex with an Aquarian. They need it to be all about them. They hide their desperate need for recognition behind an air of ‘holier than thou’.
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
The weak-willed Pisces is often led about like a fish on the line by the other ‘stronger’ star signs. This in turn makes the Pisces spiteful and greedy. At first glance the typical Pisces appears to be devoid of any personality, but this is only because they are so unassuming. But be careful, they are keenly aware of their surroundings. Their over-sensitive nature allows them to be easily cut by even the slightest negative comment. They tend to turn to drugs and alcohol to escape their emotional problems. And they’re not the happy-go-lucky drunks that everyone likes from afar. They’re the publicly-cry-about-their-problems-in-a-pathetic-attempt-at-reaching-out kind of drunk that everyone wants to avoid. And at the moment, Venus is exhibiting a lateral pull which causes a ‘high tide’ of emotional flux within the Pisces. So all you Pisces need to hideout for a week or you’ll end up embarrassing yourselves with dramatic renditions of why your life sucks. Nobody cares. Now back away from the screen before your tears short-circuit the keyboard, you hysterical thespians.
In Bed: Pisces have no personality in bed. They simply adhere to their lover’s needs, doing whatever is needed for their lover to get off. They are not spontaneously generous in bed, but they will do whatever is asked of them. For this reason only, they are perfectly matched for Capricorns.